Today was rough.
I mean dark dark dark.
We came home from a trip and I felt it creeping in on Monday. Blew it off as “tired” from too much fun in the Texas heat — but Tuesday morning it was there still.
Tuesday evening a friend said I seemed “on edge.” Just off.
This morning it was still there. And by the afternoon I said forget it, closed the curtains in my room, and gave in to the pull of my bed. The second I laid my head on my pillow I felt like a quitter. Like a fighter who had given up and allowed her opponent to just beat the daylights out of her.
Like a failure.
I had been doing so well to not give in to the everyday tug at my mind to go dark. Every. Single. Day. It’s exhausting.
I drifted off to sleep, but that never helps because it’s still there when I wake up. Lying there waiting on the only human who is able to coax me out of this mess, I heard my mind tell me:
“You’re such a loser. Look at you. Lying in bed in your pajamas at 5 in the afternoon. You’ve wasted 3 days like this. Your kids know you’re messed up in the head. Your kids know their mom is worthless.”
And then I heard the keys in the door. In a way that he hasn’t had to do in a while, my husband Jeremy persuaded me out of bed and gave me a job: chop fruit to go with the dinner he was cooking. When I came out of my room, my daughter Kate handed me a sweet gift. She had collected things from her room that are pink — my favorite color. I hugged her like I hadn’t in a long time. And cried tears of relief.
Depression doesn’t always look like it did today for me. Most days it’s me going about my business, just a little “off.” But today it kicked my tail and I let it.
Tomorrow I refuse. #ichoosejoy