I have survived suicide. Multiple times.
I know that now I have a messy but beautiful life. I have three beautiful children that wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t stayed.
I live with mental health but I’m learning to manage it.
Will I ever be “normal”? No. And I don’t want to be.
I understand too well that life is absolutely, positively petrifying. I was terrified of living.
Have you ever been so scared of simply living that you want to fall asleep and never wake up? I have.
That the weight of your burden on the world is so, so, heavy that just ceasing to exist is the only answer? I have.
That you would rather die than go on? I have.
Suicide is the worst topic to address. I can’t simply say, “Don’t do it.” That won’t work. I know, because it didn’t work for me. But it has to be addressed — because it is the end. Too many people hear the depth of their soul screaming so loud that its deafening, and they don’t mean to leave; they are simply desperately begging for some silence. Too often the silence is permanent.
For me, it’s true that history repeats itself; over and over. I have, on more than one occasion, desired the silence. Every time, someone rescued me.
I have been so well loved that people have knocked down my door to get to me and then raced me to hospital.
I have listened (in what felt like a dream) to the desperate radio conversation between my paramedic and the ER as we were driving into the hospital. I was dangerously close to dying –but they were waiting, ready, and they ran with my gurney. As I came round, the paramedic, who was also my friend (I used to take and dispatch 911 calls and we were colleagues) was there smiling and holding my hand. They saved my life that night, in more ways than one.
The most important thing I want you to know is that YOU ARE LOVED. It’s something that I did not know or believe in my darkest moments. Even now, years later, I still struggle to remember. Let me say it again — YOU ARE LOVED. Even if it’s one person, even if you don’t believe it. Please listen to me, as one who has honestly felt the depth of your pain, just because you are loved, doesn’t mean that they will get there in time to rescue you.
According to the CDC, deaths by suicide saw an increase of 30% in 25 states of the USA and up to 57% specifically in North Dakota since 1999. Research found that most of these people had not been diagnosed with any mental health conditions at the time of their deaths.
Please learn the warning signs for people at risk of suicide.
Please reduce the access of “lethal means” amongst people at risk.
Please research. Please read these websites. It’s as important as learning CPR; more important possibly.
Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Take a chance and call those of us that you think might love you. We WANT to talk to you. We don’t want you choosing the silence. My three kids are glad I didn’t.