True Story: I’ve contemplated suicide.
Thankfully for me, there was victory in the end.
I was in a terrible place in my life, my marriage was over before it started. There was nothing I could do to fix anything, except to leave. I will never forget standing over the kitchen counter with my arm stretched out in front of me, visualizing slitting my wrist.
I could see it so clearly: I was doing it, but really I wasn’t.
My phone rang, I snapped back to reality, and immediately told my friend that I was thinking about suicide and that I needed to leave now. A week later, I found out I was pregnant. The magnitude of that was so unreal as I almost took not only my life, but that of my unborn child and didn’t even know it. It’s a secret I held for a long time. I didn’t even tell my mom, who I talk to every day (and about everything), but at the time, I didn’t want to worry her more than my situation already was doing.
I felt like a complete failure.
How had I gotten to that point? How had I gotten into this mess? How would I get out?
For me, finding out I was pregnant is what changed things. I tell people all the time that God used my child to save my life. I don’t know if I would’ve actually picked the knife up and attempted suicide for real the next time, but because I was pregnant, there was no next time. I have God to thank for that. Finding out I was pregnant wasn’t the best news ever, but it did give me a glimpse of hope.
I stopped taking the Xanax that was prescribed to me, I privately sought counseling, and gave my life back to Christ. I wish I could say my situation got better instantly, but it took a couple of years and a lot of hard work to completely remove myself and my child from the situation.
But what did change is how I coped. I learned about co-dependency. (If you don’t know, co-dependency is the mind thoughts of, “I can’t fix this person so I’m beating myself up, wanting to hurt myself.”) Of course, back then I had no clue, but as I’m learning more and more and doing more research I realized that’s where I was. And if I’m being honest, I can find myself leaning towards the co-dependency even now sometimes.
I’m grateful that I’m able to write this. I’m grateful the friend called to check in when I immediately came to her mind. I’m grateful my mom didn’t have to bury her daughter. I’m grateful God blessed me with my baby, although I didn’t see it as a 100% blessing at the time. I am grateful I got that glimpse of hope when I did.
If you find yourself contemplating taking your own life, or struggle with depression, here are a few resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-TALK (8255) TTY 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
The Trevor Project. 1-866-488-7386 or text “TREVOR” to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM Eastern Time
Crisis Text Line. Text START to 741741
Not OK App. A free “digital panic button” created by teens to reach out to trusted contacts.
Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255, press 1, or text 838255, or TTY 1-800-799-4889
Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860
National Hopeline Network: 800-442-HOPE (4673)