When I’m gone and I’ve left you, don’t be afraid. Don’t cry. Please, don’t be sad. This is the time I’ve been preparing you for. This is why I’ve loved you: so that when I’m gone, you will think of me and smile, and know that I love you.
I will always love you.
When I’m gone, there are many things I want you to know…
…there’s a new box of unopened Poptarts behind the opened one. We are not out of Poptarts. Do not freak out.
…the five-year-old’s socks are in his sock drawer.
…also, his underwear is in his underwear drawer. Imagine that.
…I have no idea where the remote control has gone because every time I put it where I can easily find it, someone moves it and then forgets where they put it.
…everyone’s shoes are in the mud room. Like they always are. Which I know is where they will be returned, because I repeat that “shoes go in the mud room” like 1,000 times every day, and not just because it’s an uncontrollable tick that I’ve developed over time.
…everyone’s cell phones are charging. On their chargers. And the chargers have not moved.
…your shirt is hanging in your closet. I promise. You just didn’t look hard enough.
…extra toilet paper is under the sink.
…the milk is in the refrigerator. Where milk goes.
…all the clothes that were in the dryer this morning are still in the dryer. #sorrynotsorry
…your house shoes are right where you left them. And no, I don’t know where that is.
…all the K-cups we own are in the K-cup carousel. I have never hidden K-cups from anyone. That would be cruel.
…I have no idea where the blue 2×2 Lego has gone that has been missing for 6 months. Tell that kid to use any of the 78 other blue 2×2 Legos, like I’ve been doing for 6 months.
…any toy that anyone is looking for is where I always say the toys go, because I put it there. I’m not even going to give you a hint here. You should know this.
…don’t worry about the cat. She always does that.
…I haven’t a clue what happened to all the hidden chocolate.
Please also know that although it’s difficult right now, it will get easier. I’m in a better place…
I went to Target, y’all.
I’ll be back in less than an hour.
Good grief. How would you people ever survive without me?!
Please just hold it together long enough for me to buy the three things on my list, plus 16 other things.