Making Babies not Love :: Infertility and the Loss of Joy in Sex

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Is this the time I will get pregnant? Did I position my body right during and after sex to make sure the sperm was going the right way? Should I turn on my right side to make sure the egg gets to the fallopian tube that was open? So on and so on….

2016 had us married and excited. Following our honeymoon, it was time to start our family, especially since we got married in our 30s; we were ready. Everyone in my family seemed to be fertile and no one ever had any problems with childbearing, so I never expected for us to have any issues either. in March of 2017, we become pregnant with our first child! What I didn’t expect was to lose the baby at only nine weeks.

We got through that time and after the sadness subsided a bit, we decided to get to work and try again. We knew that time waited for no one. So we maintained our normal intimacy and sexual activities (and always had fun with them!), but over time the next pregnancy never came. I started to worry. We tried for a year and then finally decided to see a fertility doctor.

“One of your fallopian tubes is blocked.”

I silently listened to the doctor tell me what was found during my testing. I thought, “When and how did my fallopian tubes get blocked when I was just pregnant?” The doctor added that one of my tubes had “some” blockage while the other was fine. The next procedure on my doctor’s agenda was to have surgery to remove the blockage.

H-E-double hockey sticks NO!!

I knew when I left the infertility office that day that I was done and didn’t plan on having any form of surgery. I didn’t plan on being anyone’s guinea pig, especially while asleep. I decided to get a second and even third opinion…waste of time! Then I started researching other choices and read quite a bit that a woman could get pregnant with one fallopian tube. Over time, I wanted my husband and I to try different methods from drinking Geritol to only having sex at certain times of the day. I researched more and we tried different oils, creams, and home therapies such as yoni steams. I even changed my diet.

What I started to realize was — while my husband was going along with my therapies and home remedies — I could tell the sex wasn’t the same.

Then I downloaded an ovulation app. Honestly, I had four apps going at one time, but after the first month I realized I only needed one to keep up with those “special days.” Both of our schedules had become consumed. We were so busy. But when my ovulation days were here we knew that was THE WEEK we definitely needed to get busy. I tried to make it fun. I tried to be sexy. But in my mind my only thoughts were: Is this the time I will get pregnant? Did I position my body right during and after sex to make sure the sperm was going the right way? Should I turn on my right side to make sure the egg gets to the fallopian tube that was open? so on and on….

Pretty soon we were focused on making babies and not love. The joy of sex was gone.

We started to use our “free days” as days of relaxation. Rather than intimacy and enjoying sex the way we use to, we just hung out unless it was the week to try. Then when we needed to try, it was all consuming. We tried and tried and tried.

Eventually, I stopped with all of the creams and upside-down tricks and got back to enjoying sex with my husband again. No more “turn your bed towards the wall, insert this gel in your vagina, or drink this special love potion.” Just some good romps in bed. We were making love again — and in the midst of making love without the stress — we got pregnant.

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