Have you ever just been tired? Tired of the doing the same thing? Tired of what people thought? Tired of feeling unheard? Tired of trying?
I woke up like that in December of 2020. I was tired. I wanted more for my life and I knew it if was to happen it was going to come from me. I was tired of waiting for someone to come save me. I was tired of giving more than my fair share and not even getting a thank you in return. I was tired of not choosing me. Boundaries are hard yet so liberating when you use them.
Let’s just call a thing a thing here: I was self-hating. I was using my work and loving my family as a mask for people to tell me I was a great mother. For people to see me. To validate me. Because I was missing it on the inside. Being whole isn’t about what someone can do for you. Because we CAN do it all for ourselves. We need someone else for partnership, not fulfillment.
One day, I woke up different and I have been seeing different ever sense. I refuse to lose my peace just to keep the peace any longer. I refuse to give me away again now that I have found her. I refuse to let me go. And I am willing give up anything or anyone that stands in the way of this.
See, choosing me doesn’t mean I don’t love them. In fact it means the opposite. Saying no, I have now learned, is my way of saying I see you and hear you, and in order to serve you fully I must serve me first. “No” is a complete sentence to a toddler.
Yet I made excuses as to why my no is a no. You can’t make someone love you back because you love them harder. I believed that at one point. If I love hard, maybe they will love me the way I want and need to be loved. You can spell it out, sing it out, cry it out, but a person that is unwilling to love themselves can never fully know how to love you. Love is a strange thing that can move mountains and crumble walls. It can have you floating in the highest of skies or drowning in the deepest of oceans.