Choosing Me


Have you ever just been tired? Tired of the doing the same thing? Tired of what people thought? Tired of feeling unheard? Tired of trying?

I woke up like that in December of 2020. I was tired. I wanted more for my life and I knew it if was to happen it was going to come from me. I was tired of waiting for someone to come save me. I was tired of giving more than my fair share and not even getting a thank you in return. I was tired of not choosing me. Boundaries are hard yet so liberating when you use them.

Let’s just call a thing a thing here: I was self-hating. I was using my work and loving my family as a mask for people to tell me I was a great mother. For people to see me. To validate me. Because I was missing it on the inside. Being whole isn’t about what someone can do for you. Because we CAN do it all for ourselves. We need someone else for partnership, not fulfillment.

One day, I woke up different and I have been seeing different ever sense. I refuse to lose my peace just to keep the peace any longer. I refuse to give me away again now that I have found her. I refuse to let me go. And I am willing give up anything or anyone that stands in the way of this.

choosing freedom for herself

See, choosing me doesn’t mean I don’t love them. In fact it means the opposite. Saying no, I have now learned, is my way of saying I see you and hear you, and in order to serve you fully I must serve me first. “No” is a complete sentence to a toddler.

Yet I made excuses as to why my no is a no. You can’t make someone love you back because you love them harder. I believed that at one point. If I love hard, maybe they will love me the way I want and need to be loved. You can spell it out, sing it out, cry it out, but a person that is unwilling to love themselves can never fully know how to love you. Love is a strange thing that can move mountains and crumble walls. It can have you floating in the highest of skies or drowning in the deepest of oceans.

Both are something we all need to experience. But true love should be self love. Choose you every single time. If you don’t like what’s happening around you, what needs to change inside of you?
Self care is often mistaken as self love. Self care should be to enhance your life, not escape from it. Self maintenance (getting hair or nails down) is not self care. Yes I said it. It’s not. That is just keeping up your appearance. It’s exactly what it is: self maintenance. It’s a priority yes, but it’s not self care. Self maintenance is something you do for the outside. Self care is for the inside.
self maintenance is not self care
Once I realized this I was able to love me deeper and love me harder. Out loud. On purpose. And I plan to do that all of 2021. You get to decide if this will be your best year. You get to decide if things will remain the same. You. Choose you. The real you. The you that has been in there, slowly dying because you’re too busy catering to everyone around you. Choose you FIRST, and watch how everyone and everything around you will get in line with it or remove themselves from it.
Welcome to my self care Ted Talk lol. The glow up is real. When I started choosing me, my mind exploded. My water intake went up. My vitamin intake went up. My hair stopped falling out. My weight was falling off. My creative side began to open up. Everything changed. Because I had the courage to do what so many won’t: I picked me.
Divorce Week